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April 10, 2014 Comments Off on New Column! Clyde Petersen Watches Every Queer Film EVER!! (Starts Off With A Stinker…) Views: 1104 #Clyde's Video Odyssey, Arts & Entertainment, Film

New Column! Clyde Petersen Watches Every Queer Film EVER!! (Starts Off With A Stinker…)

Look kids! VHS tapes!!! Remember those? Seattle filmmaker Clyde Petersen checks out a queer cinematic treasure from the Olden Days: "Young Hearts, Broken Dreams" It's a PEACH!

Look kids! VHS tapes!!!
Remember those?
Seattle filmmaker Clyde Petersen checks out a queer cinematic treasure from the Olden Days: “Young Hearts, Broken Dreams” It’s a PEACH!

Seattle filmmaker Clyde Petersen is on a quest…to watch every movie in the GLBTQ section at Scarecrow Video. He’s starting this cinematic odyssey in the VHS section with an oldie…but not a goldie.
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Young Hearts, Broken Dreams
Director: Gerald Gordon
Year: 1990
Overall rating: 3.5 out of 5 cocks

Summary: Worth your time if you’ve got the weed. Don’t drive after watching an episode. You will feel super high. In all fairness, this TV series is way ahead of its time.

Website: (can you believe that the website still exists? It was built inflash): http://yhbdvideo.com

The Internet says this is a “three part erotic crime story.” but the VHS box says “a soap opera with a twist.”

Episode 1: The Delivery Boy

A young man moves to Hollywood to live out his dreams of becoming a movie star. He secures himself a job at a big studio, as a delivery boy. But he should have gotten himself a job as a porn star. He is hot.

This film’s blatant disregard for music copyright is only matched by their blatant disregard for underwear. Extended solo shower scene.

Super extended pool scene with no pay off. Where is this going?

Seems like this production got their hands on a tripod, but the pool scene is lengthy and lacks direction. It tries to make up for it in wiener, but the dude’s dong is underwater most the time. They make him jump off the diving board a bunch of times, obviously to get more skin showing. He has a fight with a giant beach ball. He loses.

Episode 2: The Search

Diving into Gerald Gordon’s Young Hearts, Broken Dreams Tape 2 from the Scarecrow Video Gay Section. For some reason, this episode is 80 minutes long.

I cant believe I’m saying this, but there is TOO MUCH PLOT in this soft core soap opera porn. My roommate is stoned again. We both keep yelling at the screen, “Oh, just do it! Get it on!  Suck that dude’s dick!”

There is a 20-minute montage of 2 people new to LA exploring Hollywood. There is some payoff, but not much, and there is a twist ending.

It’s an earthquake.

This unknown rumbling forces the younger brother of the deceased movie star into the arms of an older detective. He likes donuts and holes if you know what I mean.

Also, extended pissing scene. But not like you think. Really it’s just a cop pissing with the door open. No ding dong shot.

Episode 3: “He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not”

Oh my god. This dude is about to get a blow job and then there is an earthquake. Or I should say, aftershock, since the initial earthquake in episode 2 is what brought the cop and the brother together in the first place.

My roommate is yelling, “Oh my God You’re breaking his heart!” I’m yelling, “Fuck Scotty and fuck honoring his memory, he’s dead, go have sex with that old guy!”

Best quote from this episode: “I’m really glad they took care of that infection before it got too bad.”

Questions I have about this film series:

  • Why is the Mafia informant dressed like a clown?
  • How did the brother’s gay lover get this Navaho print vest before Urban Outfitters made them?

Comments from my stoned roommate:

  • “If this song goes on for any longer I’m going to die.”
  • “Omg they are doing a montage of the current scene. I’m in so much pain right now.”
  • “Omg they already showed foreplay. Now they are making it longer?”
  • “Don’t make the O face.”
  • “This is the Danielle Steel of gayness.”
  • “I love how they are so into shooting pool. OMG they are not talking about cue sticks anymore.”
  • “OMG! How big is that cell phone?
  • “This is the worst acting ever.”
  • “I don’t know if I can I live up to these expectations of being gay.”

Reviewed by Clyde Petersen.

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Clyde Petersen is currently watching and reviewing every GLBT film from Scarecrow Video, starting with the VHS collection. In his spare time, Clyde likes to MAKE movies including the popular “Boating With Clyde” series and the upcoming animated, feature length “Torrey Pines” which should hit cinema screens in 2015.

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