REVIEW: The Stranger’s HUMP Film Festival has an off year…

I just got back from the Stranger’s annual HUMP! Film Festival at On the Boards featuring the best and brightest of locally made amateur (mostly) porno videos. Unhappily, I have to report that this year’s Hump was on the dim and flaccid side…NONE of the films were erotic, a few were clever and charming, and the majority were dull and WAY TOO LONG! There was nothing as shocking as last year’s infamous “Anal Hook” video and the only shocking thing about the night was the fact there were only THREE GAY films in the line-up, and all three were meh. (But ladies, you’re in luck! There were several “Lady Loving Lady” entries and several others that featured some scissor sisterin’ AC-SHONE!!!) Other issues: way too many Portland entries featuring tatted/pierced hipsters having dull, matted hair sex, and a shocking lack of kink/trans entries. This year’s show is very much dominated by the heteros and quite a lot of the lady lovers but there’s not much for anyone else.
Here’s a rundown on some of the 24 films being shown.

Best of Show:
“Sink” – It’s the second film and things are off to an amazing start with a clever, funny, charming parody of the old porno standby, “The Plumber Comes to Visit”. Very well directed, photographed and acted. *****
“Hi, I’m Pon” – It’s a series of still photographs with a great soundtrack and an appealing performance by “Pon”. Smart, funny, and modern. *****
“America’s Funniest Hump Videos” – Exactly what it sounds like, a cleverly edited parody of the centuries old clip show that even includes some very familiar commercials with a “Humpish” bent. Not that original, but funny and well edited. ****
“The Nun and the Bum” – a horny “nun” gets funky with a picture of Jesus, a rosary, and a bum she picks up on the Hawthorne Bridge in Portland. Funny performance from the “nun”. ***

Gay Films:
“Ad Man” –  It’s a “Mad Man” parody. The two men were hot and LGBTQ audiences will probably recognize the “secretary” (in a non-sexual role). The ending was kind of cute but it features gay casual sex and no visible condoms. **
“It Gets Better” – One joke parody of the “It Gets Better” video project. Obvious and unsexy and one partner calls the other “Faggot” during the sex. *
“Twincest” – slick, commercially made animated film about gay/lesbian incest. It’s not local, it was too long and while it had high production values, it was a stupid one joke joke. *

Lesbian Films:
“Fistful of Love” – Two women have rather violent but boring sex. WAAAY too long. *
“Alien TV” – Moderately cute hipster dykes get crazy with sex toys but a hot dude pops up towards the end. **

There were a couple of others for the ladies, but I didn’t match the titles to the films. Sorry, I tended to drift off during the Lady films…

Other:
“Attack of the Triple D’s” – the 3D entry, a parody of cheesy 70’s exploitation porn. Dull, forced humor and it’s not really 3D. Also: who knows where those glasses have been? NO STARS.
“Tit Crucifixion” – Kinky bondage paintings get animated. Too gory for my taste but the art was nice. **
“How to Bake Frosted Muffins” – Really, really stupid and boring…and LOOOOONG! NO STARS.

I bought two tix to this and it set me back $40. This year’s Hump is not worth $40. Maybe, $8 tops. The Stranger sold out 15 shows; On the Boards seats about 250; the tickets are $20. That’s a nice racket!
I have visions of “GLUMP”, the Seattle Gay Scene Gay/Lesbian Porn Festival for next year…

– Michael Strangeways