Q: I keep coming to the same conclusion in life. I feel like I don’t belong anywhere. I don’t know what to do with that. I tried being a dyke on a bike but it ended in a crash. Next I went to Nordstrom and had a makeover hoping to become a model, but I’m too short. I’m not good at sports and can’t even boil water. What should I do?
A: Well, before you can feel like you belong, you have to know who you are. Once you’ve answered that question, finding “your people” isn’t that difficult. They’ll find you. Stop trying so hard, and just let it happen. Keep in mind that “you are what you eat.”
Q: My sister came for a visit and put an eggplant in the oven. She was planning on making some babaganoush. While we were sitting in the living room, the eggplant blew up in my oven. No babaganoush, and a big fat mess. What should I do?
A: You’re in luck. Before 1962, Easy Off Oven Cleaner came in a jar with a brush. You put on your gas mask and painted the inside of your oven with the caustic contents of said jar. Thanks to my second cousin, Billy, who inadvertently invented Easy Off in an Aerosol can while he was working for NASA. Things got much easier. I suggest you pick up a can and have at it. Meanwhile, stick with huumus next time your sister comes for a visit.
Q. My boyfriend is insisting on a pre-nup before we tie the knot in December. We’ve been together for 5 years, and I actually make more money than he does, but I’m insulted that it’s come to this. I’m about to call off our Big Fat Gay Wedding, but my mom already bought her airline ticket and everything’s already been paid for (by me!) What should I do?
A: Although everyone likes to think that marriage has to do with true love forever, it’s actually a legal agreement about money and property. So put your hackles down and start negotiating. Better you come to an agreement now when you’re friends, than wait for a time when you’re pissed at each other and want to make each other miserable. If that time never comes, no harm done. But if it does, then you have something to fall back on that’s fair to you both. And seeing as gay marriage isn’t exactly legal in Washington, your gay divorce would also be a figment of your imaginations.
Got a question, and only a Van Dyke can help? Email Lamar and ask away!
