Holy Mother! Another Valentine’s Day approaches! While straight folk wait in lines at flower shops, fight to get reservations at fancy restaurants, buy nauseating Hallmark cards, and in a million ways rub conspicuous consumption in the gay folks’ faces, let’s celebrate the day as anti-romantically as possible. Who’s with me for a round of tequila shots funneled down a go-go dancer’s butt crack? (It’s sweet really–he’s putting himself through college.) If you must head out to the movies this weekend, here’s a selection for the romantic and unromantic at heart.
New releases
The Eagle: Out for the pink penny
The Eagle, directed by Kevin MacDonald,
starring Channing Tatum, Jamie Bell, Donald Sutherland. Ever since 900 unleashed its ancient-times epic that both offended and titillated the gays, now all the studios are jumping on the gay gladiator bandwagon. Of course, this week’s new gladiator epic doesn’t take place at the real Eagle, but it might as well have. The film features two hottie leads enacting master/slave role-play fantasies, while battling nude Scottish natives that look like they dropped bad Ecstasy at Burning Man. Is the movie supposed to be any good? Who cares. When you costume hunky young men in skimpy gladiator garb, you already have a built in audience that won’t mind forking over $10 to catch the flick on the big screen—Of course you can see the same thing at the Cuff on Halloween, but cover is at least twice that much and the line stretches around the block. (Pacific Place, 600 Pine St, 11:40 a.m., 2:30, 5:30, 8:10 & 10:45 p.m.)
Gnomeo & Juliet: Yes, that's a gnome Elton John
Gnomeo & Juliet, directed by Kelly Asbury, starring James McAvoy, Emily Blunt, Maggie Smith, Michael Caine. If The Eagle is a Valentine treat for Grindr-using gay dudes, Gnomeo & Juliet provides a good option for LGBT parents. Kids will love cute garden gnomes with English accents. Gay and lesbian parents will love hearing new versions of 70’s Elton John hits sung by Dolly Parton. Yes, Dolly Parton sings in this one. One question however—are the young gnome lovers going to commit suicide? How would that even happen? Jumping off a wall onto hard concrete perhaps. Leave it to Disney to come up with an ending that will leave only small scars on impressionable children’s psyches. (Pacific Place, 600 Pine St, 11:15 a.m., 1:20, 3:25, 6:10, 8:20 & 10:25 p.m.)
Also opening this weekend—the painful Adam Sandler and Jennifer Aniston “comedy” Just Go With It, and the hysteria (or wrath) inducing Justin Bieber Never Say Never in 3D.
Seattle screenings
Angel Face: Sexy in Black & White
Noir City a 14-film noir film festival starts at SIFF Cinema (321 Mercer St) with the theme “Who’s Crazy Now?” Not to miss are Marilyn Monroe’s 1952 Don’t Bother To Knock featuring the best lounge act ever by Anne Bancroft (Saturday, 4 & 9:30 p.m.) and Angel Face also from 1952 starring the bewitching Jean Simmons and the smoldering Robert Mitchum. Now that is a date movie that’s gonna get you laid! See the whole calendar of films here.
This week Northwest Film Forum will screen The Taqwacores about practicing Muslim punks in California, featuring a flamboyant queer punk and a burqa-clad Riot Grrrl. There is something undeniably hot about Pakistani dudes with mohawks. More information available at NWFF’s website. (Northwest Film Forum, 1515 12th Ave, 7 & 9 p.m.)
The Art of Living: Films by Otto Preminger continues at SAM with 1955’s The Man With the Golden Arm. Not to be confused with the similarly titled James Bond film, this film features Frank Sinatra playing a former junkie recently released from jail. The role earned him a 1956 Academy Award nomination, which he lost to Ernest Borgnine for Marty.
Moulin Rouge!: The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love, and be loved in return.
Leave it to Central Cinema (1411 21st Ave) to go whole hog when it comes to Valentine’s. They are hopeless romantics. Start the weekend with Michel Gondry’s bizarre yet sweetly sad Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (Friday & Saturday, 7 & 9:30; Sunday & Monday, 9:30 only). Next sing your heart along side the vocal stylings of Nicole Kidman and Ewan MacGregor in Baz Luhrmann’s Moulin Rouge! (Sunday & Monday, 6 p.m.). Finally, if you like a little 90s teen angst with your romance, catch the My So Called Life TV Dinner (Tuesday, 7 p.m.)
Ryan Hicks is Development Manager for Three Dollar Bill Cinema, which is hosting the most fabulous Academy Awards Party ever with Gay City at Cinerama Sunday February 27. Get your tickets now!
