So, I’m back for another week of recapping this trainwreck – I’m going to treat it like rodeo. If I can stay on for more than 8 seconds, then it’s a victory. I’m also a little high on sinus medication, so it’ll be an adventure on a whole other level. Ready? Get a cocktail, let’s start…
Ah, the passive aggressive snarking begins. Mike from LA complains about Cesar’s victory in the previous episode, since Cesar’s dress was a snow leopard print and there are no snow leopards in Africa. Huh? Iman was the inspiration, not Africa you f*cktard… ugh.
This episode is called “The Human Body” – the designers were challenged to design based on the inner workings of the human body, after they visit the BODIES: THE EXHIBITION show. They take photos. Token straight dude announced that he’s inspired by vaginas. Wow. This whole rampant heterosexuality thing is teetering on cringeworthy territory…
Calvin Tran, The Asian Man, is already trying to take the lead by making up some sort of “story” around their line. No one has actually appointed him the leader, but he’s sure enjoying taking over. His team hates him during the sketch phase, and is panicked about presenting to Isaac since none of them can come to any sort of consensus on anything other than hating Calvin. Fortunately the other team goes first, and presents a polished set of idea boards that SEEM kinda awesome. Even Mike From LA has some coolish ideas… let’s see if he can execute. Isaac gushes love all over their work. At least it looks like love.
Team Emerald Syx changes their name to Emerald, since they are actually now only five (it took them prodding from Isaac to make this happen… srsly?). They confess that they are having trouble coming together because Calvin is trying to be the Dear Leader. Isaac suggests that they elect a leader. The team elects adorable Prince-Haired Jeffery. Calvin is displeased.
A twist! Natch! Isaac tells them that one of their pieces needs to be reversible. Seriously? Reversible seems like an Old Navy thing, but not couture. What do I know, I’m wearing sweats and a beer t-shirt whilst I write this.
After the commercial, they shop! Team Nami shows that they’re scarily together on their ideas. Jeffrey voices an oddly leaderly voice. It looks like Calvin Tran is taking the reversible piece on… and he ain’t hearin’ nothin’ from no one. He’s just gonna do whatever he wants. The rest of Team Emerald seems to have it figured out – they’re just going to ignore Calvin and let him hang himself.
Over on Nami, Mike From LA is playing with red dye – and not much else. Neither team gets much of anything done on day one. Southside Tamara is bonding with Calvin… stay away girl! He’s dead weight!
Here’s my PSYC 101 assessment on Calvin. He’s supremely over confident as a way to to overcome his insecurity about his language barrier. However, Bravo seems to be turning him into a horrible stereotype, and making him sound like the mentally unbalanced owner of a bodega in the bad part of town that wants teenagers out of his store. Unless he’s actually just an ass. let’s just go with that for now.
Sexy Eduardo the Silent Peruvian (shown over there) shares that he designs for Dickies. He just became exponentially hotter, somehow. Mike From LA has created a too-small baby pink hooker dress that he needs to re-think. It looks like a t-shirt with two porkchops on it. Lame. The rest of the working collection is kinda rad, and Mike is just sloughing off – he’s paralyzed by his lack of skill. He’d “rather do nothing than do something bad”… he’s going that route. His suckage is manifesting itself as him taking his shears to his shitty pink hooker dress situation, then chucking it in the bin. He’s losing it. Foreshadowing? Doubtful… that would be too clean. He’s gotta do something… The team rallies around, but he just quit. As in, HE QUIT THE SHOW! What the hell? Isn’t there a contract involved? But he throws away an opportunity that other designers would sell a kidney for. Cesar sums him up neatly, “What a schmuck.” Glad he’s gone… or is he? No, he really is. Awesome! My cynical inner voice thinks he was a plant. Stupid Bravo… where was I? Oh yes, more Sudafed.
Last minute scrambling before midnight… deliberately choppy editing to add to the suspense of it all, and designing day is done.
Morning! Eduardo laments an incomplete garment, but they’re rolling their racks to the show space. In spite of Mike From LA bailing out, Team Nami whips out something for his poor model to wear.
Over on Team Emerald, Calvin is being petulant, big surprise. There was a plan for each of the girls to have a tulle headpiece/mask thing, but Calvin didn’t like it, and apparently Tamara didn’t either and they’re refusing to put it on their models, so they scrap it, much to Jeffrey’s consternation. C’mon Jeffrey! You’re the leader – smack down that coup! He needs to study union breakers.
Team Emerald (no Syx) goes first. Apparently each PIECE needed to have a reversible element, not just one look; my bad. Who’s is up first? It has a reversible bolero jacket… that’s red on both sides – one side textured, one smooth? Not a lot of wow-ness. Jeffrey’s does’t really seem to “reverse” so much as adjust in the collar-line – over the shoulder, to off the shoulder. Great sleek dress though, with a cool fishgill pleating. Tamara’s has a weird red tooth pleat thing over the boobies. Calvin’s piece has a multi-operational thing happening – jacket becomes bag, then skirt becomes coat…model becomes Optimus Prime, or something. Too much Calvin! I’m remembering Calvin’s functional yellow mess from last week where the skirt flipped up or something – it was still ugly as homemade sin. Golnessa has a weird obsession with corsage-y fabric trickery. Hey, Team Emerald, “red” is not a story. It’s a color. Good lord.
After a really long commercial break, Team Nami spends a lot of time futzing before the show. Runway producer guy is losing patience quickly. Hot Eduardo is still sewing. The show is starting, with or without them.
Straight David does a weird pink thing based on vaginas, but looks sorts Swiss Missy. Jacket becomes shawl. Somehow that’s vaginal. Dominique’s dress is also weirdly vaginal with all the rouching. Rolando with the flatironed hair does another rouchy thing. Were these teams forced to work with only one color? Jesus people – a line can have more than one shade! Hot Eduardo’s dress comes out and gets applause – it’s pretty awesome. It looks like rather phallic, foreskin and all. Of course, Cesar goes into serious detail with dyed fringe, and pushes their “color story” out the farthest. A little avant garde, but good for him. Then the dress that would have been Mike From LA’s, had he not broken down like a cryin’ bitch, that the group executed did a very cool, flowy chemise that looks modern, but cool considering they had 10 minutes and a bag of scrap to work from.
Cesar’s fringe-y, vein-y piece – lots of fine detail that the others just don’t have.Isaac and Iman come out to announce the winner. Isaac loves the Team Nami color story, and is impressed that Emerald could get it together at all. Iman congratulates Nami for another team victory. Somehow, the conspicuous absence of Mike From LA has yet to be mentioned. Seriously, aren’t we going to talk about it? Maybe I’m used to Tim Gunn coming in and talking about everyone’s feelings… oh, that’s another show. Never mind. Cesar’s fringe is complemented grandly, and Eduardo’s foreskin dress wins. He’s humble and even cuter. He wins an extra hour of work time next week.
Eduardo’s Abstract Foreskin Dress.For House of Emerald the intervention discussion begins. Iman and Isaac both talk about Calvin and Jeffrey’s and agree that they’re part of the same collection, but the others are a little out of bounds. They call Jeffrey out for his lack of reversible, but his fishgill pleating is original enough, and perfectly placed, so you can tell he’s safe. Golnessa’s dress is completely different in the front than it is in the back. Cindy’s dress is just weird, and kinda student-ly, but they’re kind enough not to call her a complete twit. Isaac does NOT like Calvin’s coat that becomes a bag, but likes the whole jacket shift thing. Southside Tamara’s pleated boob tooth gets called out for all the ugly. The team commences to argue with each other.
Iman and Isaac chastise the team for not getting along, and not being able to work together. They all collectively say that Calvin is the problem – judges already know that! That’s why Bravo is keeping him around! This show needs all the ratings it can get! Calvin has an overblown sense of superiority, and Iman rips him a new one of everything and let’s him know that he’s the reason that they’re losing. ‘Bout time. Just sayin’. I don’t think he gets it – narcissistic personality disorders are hard to crack, y’all! You know, as fashion-based, reality show villains go, he’ll never measure up to a Jeffrey Sebelia or even Santino Rice. Hell, he ain’t even Wendy Pepper… and that bitch was USELESS!
Whoa! Last minute twist! Team Nami is brought back out to the stage. Since Mike From LA walked out, no one goes home. C’mon! They got episodes to fill, people! But, Calvin gets shifted to Nami. Nami has to make a Sophie’s Choice of whom to send over to Emerald, just to even things out. Cesar abdicates his throne on Nami, and no one is happy about it… except Cesar. I don’t think he’d get along with Calvin and would likely whip a razor blade out of his shoe and cut a bitch. Although I’d pay money to see those two girls go at it.
Deliberately evasive previews for next week appear, where there seems to be some sort of goth-esque situation going on.
All righty. I’m hooked for the moment. Let’s see if week three will make me stab my eyes out. In the meantime, I’m gonna hang out with my Sudafed and bourbon cocktail and keep watching to see where this circus is headed.
Les Sterling is an artist living in Seattle who is obsessed with good design in all things, and is a freelance contributor to Seattle Gay Scene.
