Review: Is it time to drown “CATS”?

© 2010, JOAN MARCUS

Review: “CATS”. Music by Andrew Lloyd Webber. Based on “Old Possum’s Book of Practical Cats” by T.S. Eliot. Tour Directed and Choreographed by Richard Stafford based on Original Direction by Trevor Nunn and Original Choreography by Gillian Lynne. With Melissa Grohowski, Nathan Morgan, Christopher E. Sidoli, Chris Stevens, and Chaz Wolcott. “Now and Forever”, or, now through April 22nd at The Paramount.

I wasn’t supposed to see or review the production of  Andrew Lloyd Webber’s “CATS” now playing at The Paramount. Our esteemed Publisher Emeritus Bill W. and his partner wanted to go and I wholeheartedly agreed to that idea. But a family emergency came up and they were unable to attend and I volunteered to step in…but with some reluctance. Normally, I jump at the chance to see the touring Broadway musicals at The Paramount and The 5th Avenue but I wasn’t particularly keen to see “CATS” despite the fact I had never attended a production of  the show. And, while I love the real thing, (most of the time), I didn’t see much point in a musical about the little darlings. But, that wasn’t always the case…

Yes, like any musical theater loving homosexual, I was a starry eyed fan of ALL new Broadway musicals and naturally rushed out to buy the cast album (Thirty years ago!!!) and raced home to immediately envelop myself in the music of the hottest Broadway musical in years…only to discover that “CATS” has exactly ONE song you want to listen to more than once (“Memory”) and all the rest was…dross. And, then it gradually dawned on me, that a musical about singing, dancing cats was pretty damn stupid. Lloyd Webber’s music was banal and the lyrics, largely from the children’s poetry of T.S. Eliot, are…still children’s poetry. The thin as a cat’s whisker plot of “CATS” is basically about the naming of the cats, and a rather annoying cat party held once a year, and the ultimate redemption of the old, slutty female cat Grizabella, (aka, Betty Buckley) who gets to belt out the one good song, “Memory”…TWICE! The costumes are sleazy leotards and the make-up is strictly what you would find at a Street Fare make-up booth for children. It’s just…really inconsequential and trite. I’d call it children’s theater, but it’s not witty enough for most smart kids. The problem with “CATS” is that Lloyd Webber has aped some of the devices of British music hall and Christmas pantomime traditions, but without any of the naughty wit or innuendo. “CATS” is a triumph consisting of one song and a brilliant marketing campaign. Apparently, it really is, “Now and Forever”.

It seemed like forever at The Paramount on opening night. “CATS” is a very old show and it’s been touring for 30 years with essentially the same sets, costumes, choreography and direction for that entire time. Millions have seen the show and it’s frozen in ice…watching “CATS” in 2012 is like traveling back in time to see the latest innovations in theater magic…circa 1982. It’s just tired and it doesn’t exactly fill houses like it once did. The house was far from full on opening night and frankly the audience seemed a bit…tired and subdued. The actors on stage had plenty of energy, but the audience could have used a Red Bull. (But, of course the show ended with the Obligatory Seattle Standing Ovation…)

And, the actors were troupers. Life on the road is hard for all actors but it’s a bit more fun if you’re in a sexy, hot, recent hit like “The Book of Mormon” (coming to The Paramount in January 2013) or “Green Day’s American Idiot” (coming in June of this year). It can’t be easy trouping the country in such a tired old show and frankly, it can’t be a very sexy credit on your resume. If you read the actor bios in the program, it looks like quite a few of them are young actors fresh out of school, all excited to be in their first show. Good for them, and bless their little hearts! Despite the (largely) ugly costumes and ridiculous make-ups/hair, they still put on a helluva show, that features a lot of intricate dance pieces. There are plenty of delightful individual moments in the show and that’s largely due to the charm and talent of the performers. (Sadly, all those moments tended to be surrounded by long periods of banality.)

Chris Stevens’ “Rum Tum Tugger” was a huge hit with the audience, despite having Carol Channing hair and a David Lee Roth unitard. Equally well liked was the magical “Mistoffelees” as played by Chaz Wolcott who had to overcome a design that made him resemble the love child of Liza Minnelli and Wolverine from the “X-Men”. And, it’s impossible for audiences to not adore the sad, old Grizabella; after all she gets to sing THAT song, (TWICE!!) and ride the giant tire to Cat Heaven! Melissa Grohowski’s big, vibrant voice made “Memory” memorable and you didn’t really miss Betty Buckley.

Jasper also has a very low opinion of those ridiculous "CATS"...

Who’s this for? Hardcore “CATS” fans. If you’ve ever named your OWN cat some cutesy poo name like “Rum Tum Tugger” or “Jellylorum” or “Mungojerrie” then this musical is right up your Precious Moments collecting alley! But, if you’re like me, and you love the real thing for all their contradictory charms and aloofness but prefer to give your cats sensible names like “Jasper”, “Clyde” or “Constance”, then Mr. Lloyd Webber’s cuter than thou cats might not be your cup of twee.