RPDR: Episode 4 Recap: Dancing Queens and Cher’s Vagina…

We’re back at it this week, and after last week’s semi-yawn of an episode, it’s nice to be back to more exciting stuff. Like Dancing Queens! Oh yeah, spoilers ahead, so butch up missy!

First, what’s up with Coco’s duct tape head situation? That’s the craziest ass thing… I’m sure it’s effective in its wig managing duties, but it’s just plain weird. This week, after all the Alyssa/Coco mishegas, they’re setting us up for some Vivienne/Roxxxy related drama… better make it good because we ain’t all that bugged about Alyssa and Coco.

On to the mini-challenge! A cryptic She-Mail alludes to something dance-ful, and in walks RuPaul with a fro that would make the 1970’s blush. The Pit Crew brings in a table full of fros, and we’re off to a Soul Train-ish situation, which ends up playing out like a Vogue line (you have seen Paris is Burning, yes? Children…)

The Soul Train dance off is kind of hilarious. Alaska and Roxy are pretty terrible, and somehow Honey Mahogany can’t move it that way you’d think – with all those legs, and she’s lumbering around like… well, me. Jinkx tears it up, naturally, and Alyssa moves like she knows what she’s doing. Winners? Jinkx and Coco Montrese, and they’ll head up the teams for the elimination challenge, wherein teams are asked to create a ballet based on the life of RuPaul, and Alyssa seems to think she’s got this in the bag.

 Coco picks first, and picks Alyssa. Jigga wha???  She’s being strategic – Alyssa is a hardcore dancer and choreographer, and Coco wants the win. Yet again, Jade is sad about being picked second to last, and Vivienne is picked dead last. But considering her “moves” in the mini-challenge, it’s completely understandable why she was left on the rack.

Planning! Jinkx is taking a very logical tactic, in sorting out her team and figuring out who can logically play which parts. Giving Alaska the first scene, which Alaska is more than a little worried about, because apparently her bony ass can’t dance. But if she’s bad, they’ll be able to forget her by the end! See how that works? Close strong!

Coco’s team is sorting out their madness, and Coco SEEMS to be making an effort toward making nice to Alyssa, or going VERY passive aggressive, making Alyssa play “Bad Ru” and casting herself as “Good Ru”. The white swan/black swan parallel is a bit on the nose, but hopefully they aren’t super obvious about it.  This Vivienne and Roxxxy tension seems to be all on Vivienne’s part – not a lot seems to be phasing Roxxxy, because I think Roxxxy’s most focused on Roxxxy, and not noticing much else that’s happening in the room when it isn’t about her. Alyssa explains her concern about Vivienne not stepping it up in a way that reminds me of that tattletale girl in third grade who’s throw a bitch under the bus just to get her in trouble. Alyssa’s gonna end up being Queen of Shade, isn’t she???

Guest judges are the two dancing fairies that are helping the teams choreograph their numbers, and the danciest transman in the land, Chaz Bono, which thrills Alaska, after all, as she explains:

Jinkx’s team meets with the dreamy choreographers, and since they haven’t seen much man meat in a while (other than one another), all the queen’s giggle like horny schoolgirls. They are adorable, but they’re there to work! Most of Jinkx’s team seems to have some sort of control of their bodies while they try to dance, but Alaska REALLY does seem to have some coordination issues.  1-2-3-4, find the beat!

Meanwhile on Coco’s team, she and Alyssa seem to be working on a battle scene between good and evil Ru’s, at least attempting to, but they’re so mistrusting of each other, that they’re clunk around the stage like junior high schoolers attempting to slow dance for the first time. Detox and Honey are working the chorus of Swan Lake out as 90’s Ru and Diana Ross, and while those steps seem fairly straightforward, I will confess, they are more involved then they seem. It’s only 6 counts and a passé, then go the other direction, but as someone who is counting-challenged, I understand the frustration. But there was actually a time when even I, as linebacker shaped as I am, could grand-plié and pas de bourrée with the best of them. No grande jétés, though. That would have met with disaster.

RUNWAY! RuPaul’s dress is WAYYYYY too hot! Loves it! Team Jinkx is up for the first half of the ballet. Alaska, as Miss Ernestine is funny, and the dancing isn’t THAT awful. She delivers it as comedy (smart move!) if not a bit too Joan Crawford-esque. Ivy and Jinkx as Lady Bunny and 1980’s genderfucking Ru are adorable, as something of a slapstick sister act:

Team Coco is on for Act Two… the highlight, obviously, is the battle of the two Ru’s – Goodness and Virtue vs. Maleficence and Self-Destruction. Alyssa and Coco show that there is CLEARLY a bond there that can work together. It took them a moment, but they got it together enough to turn it the fuck out. And turn it, they did:

Coco enjoyed this one JUST a little too much…

Runway is brief, as the ballet took up SO much time, but it’s okay. None of the looks were real showstoppers, although Jinkx’s outfit is SO familiar??? Strange… Her abstract harlequin hat wasn’t met with the resounding applause that it could have, but c’est la vie. Honey’s rocking ANOTHER caftan (girl!) and Jade just looks… odd. And Roxy’s dressing like she’s already lost weight. Girl, you can wear that situation now, but last summer was another story.

Critiques on the top three and bottom three, and the Ru drops the question that they HAD to know was coming eventually, “Who would you send home?” Instant existential crisis brews, but everyone has quick opinions, mostly calling out Vivienne for blending into the wallpaper, and at Honey for not bringing it hard enough. Alyssa takes a rather smart/passive-aggressive move and picks Jade, who wasn’t out on stage… but girl. I agree. Kinda over it. Miss Jade can’t possibly have more than a week or two left in her.

Who wins? Alyssa. Natch. She trumped over the others pretty soundly, although Jinkx and Ivy were pretty brilliant.

Who’s lip-syncing? Not shocking, it’s Honey in her caftan and Vivienne being dull. They dance it out to Oops, I Did It Again… to lackluster applause. Then the actual surprise? Double penetration elimination – both Honey and Viv were sent packing. Vivienne is snippy and pissed… really girl? Love you and all, but you didn’t bring it. And yes, Honey, you’re gorgeous, but please tell me you’ve given up on caftans. They’re only for wearing when you’re at home eating ice cream.

Or so I hear… Shut up! Don’t judge me…