I must be the worst “gay” in the world because I don’t really fall in line with anything on this “fun” info list currently posted on the slightly vapid website, Pride.com. The list is called “16 Things Every Gay Man Has to Explain to Straight Friends” but it’s beyond stupid. Apparently, the writer of this post, Alexander Kirk, is very young and has VERY stupid and very insensitive straight friends. I’m VERY old but I apparently have very smart straight friends because NO ONE has EVER asked me any of these questions.
Here are the questions and my responses to each…
1. Why your favorite diva is in fact the undeniable queen of pop.
I think every contemporary currently charting pop diva except maybe Gaga and Madonna is a vapid, talent free hack. Yes, bitches, I’m dissin’ on Beyonce, Rihanna and all your other favorite autotuned, over produced, hacky pop divas.
2. Why that outfit doesn’t quite work.
So stupid. Perpetuates the huge myth that gays have perfect taste. In fact, I don’t assume all gays have good taste. In reality, most gays have awful taste. It’s just 10% of gays have better taste than everyone else.
But, yeah. Why ARE you wearing UGG boots in 2016? Are you Australian?
3. Who’s the top and who’s the bottom in your relationship ….
Intelligent people do not ask tacky questions like this. Ever. If a straight person asks such a question, then feel free to slap the nonsense right out of them. And, how dare you assume I’m in a relationship!
4. Or if your friend’s a real newb — the difference between a top and a bottom.
No.
5. The general plot to every Broadway musical – mostly Wicked and Rent.
I love musicals but “Rent” is dated and flawed and “Wicked” is over rated and only has two good songs. “Book of Mormon” is kinda racist and not that funny and only has two good songs. Also: not all gays like musicals. In fact, some of the biggest musical theater queens I know are straight men.
6. Also, why they should see Book of Mormon because it’s basically a “straight” musical.
See above. It’s not straight, it’s just not very good.
7. Why Kesha hasn’t released new music.
She’ll always be “Lil’ Ketchup” to me.
8. When it’s appropriate to text that girl back.
I don’t know what this means.
9. The difference between a being a drag queen and transgender.
Such a 1992 kind of question. If a straight person really needs to figure this out, I’d suggest they go peek under someone’s skirt to find out…
10. Also, every coined phrase from Ru-Paul’s Drag Race — “eleganza” really throws them off.
Yes, because it’s sooooooo difficult to figure out what “eleganza” might mean…and, again, the biggest RPDR fans are straight people.
11. Why they should drink wine instead of beer.
They should drink neither…girls drink wine, bros drink beer. Sophisticated adults drink hard liquor. And, lots of it.
12. Why they shouldn’t bash the Kardashians — especially Khloe.
I loathe Real Housewives, the Kardashians, and Kesha. I would encourage everyone to avoid all those things because they’re awful. And, Khloe needs a good “bashing” the most of all because she’s the “pretend” Kardashian anyway.
13. The gay sub genres: twink, bear, otter, wolf, etc.
It’s pretty self-explanatory.
14. What a “sugar baby” is (and the reason you probably were one at some point).
I don’t know what this means. Does it refer to the old musical revue with Mickey Rooney and Ann Miller?
15. Which of the Real Housewives they should actually have a crush on and why.
See above. If you like/watch “Real Housewives” you should get help. Maybe stick a pencil in your eye to relieve the pressure caused by your faulty brain.
16. Why you’ve seen his dick pic — especially if you’re friends with his GF.
Gross. I’d slap a bitch for being tacky for showing me her BF’s dick pic. No class. (“Wait..go back. Oh. He’s uncut. Is he Canadian?”)
It probably behooves me to once again post the link to the original since I just cruelly made fun of it.
If you click here, you can see it, plus some allegedly cute videos used to illustrate the post.
About the Author: Michael Strangeways
