Ian Schuelke Wants An Exit Interview…With Guest Star Bhama Roget

Funny Seattle people Bhama Roget and Ian Schuelke abandon Seattle for the bright lights of Tinsel Town. We give them the Third Degree in The SGS Exit Interview.

Ian Schuelke is a local – for now- sketch artist, comedian, video producer, actor, musician, etc.  He is moving at the end of June and leaving us behind as well as his partner in crime, Bhama Roget (Ian and Bhama’s Black Christmas). Which means: time for an Exit Interview…and a surprise peer review!  Plus: Tori Amos talk (Quelle surprise!!) and…a scoop!  

Craig: Bhama, thank you for doing this Peer Review of Ian Schuelke! I know you’re very busy so I thank you for taking the time!  Any projects of yours we should know about?

Bhama: Well, at this very moment, I am attempting to bake a cake with coconut flour. I will let you know how it turns out. Also, I have a YouTube channel called The Bhama Show, where you can watch some funny videos I’ve made, or if you hate the Internet, I’ll be performing at the Hoppy Hour show at Decibel Brewing in Bothell on June 2.

Craig: Hello, Ian. I have been tasked with conducting your Exit Interview. I’ve also brought in actress Bhama Roget for a Peer Review. I’d like to start by asking: why are you moving to LA?

Ian:  I can pay $2000 a month for a studio and be on a Nickelodeon show as the crotchety hotel manager who suffers through the shenanigans of two delightful yet cantankerous twins. Can you do THAT in Seattle? I don’t think so.

Craig (To Bhama): Ian thinks he’ll get cast on a Nickelodeon show.  Is that realistic or do you see an altogether different show for him?

Bhama: Oh, he will absolutely get cast on a Nickelodeon show. Have you ever seen his late-night confessional, “I Got Slimed”? Look for it.

Craig: Ian, how did you start your creative career in Seattle?

Ian: I sang in bands starting around 15 years ago, but as far as acting/comedy stuff I set about creating a monthly variety show in 2014 and grilled Jeffrey Robert (The Gay Uncle Explains It All To You, another colorblind SGS writer) and Emmett Montgomery (Weird and Awesome) about their shows. They were gracious/crazy enough to let me perform on their shows without seeing what I could do first, so thank you guys! I hope you were pleased with the result!

Craig: (To Bhama) Tell us an embarrassing story about Ian!

Bhama: Once I was at Ian’s apartment, and upon noticing a large jar of brownish liquid on his balcony, remarked, “Oh, you’re making sun tea!” To which Ian replied, “No, those are cigarette butts.” 

[SGS Scoop #1 !!!! IAN MAKES HIS SUN TEA FROM CIGARETTE BUTTS (which is probably how he stays so slim).]

Craig: Your list of accomplishments includes Ian Schuelke Wants a TV Show, SketchFest Seattle and Let’s Not Make This a Thing.  But my favorite project is the Bhama Roget video you wrote and produced: “Busy Mom”. (http://www.ianschuelke.com/new-gallery/2016/9/14/busy-mom) What are you most proud of? 

Ian: I absolutely LOVE “Busy Mom.” It was one of the first sketches I wrote, and my first short film. But I’m most proud of the fact that I managed to write and produce an hour-long monthly sketch comedy/variety show for five months without killing myself or someone else. Much love to my stage crew who worked tirelessly and put up with my neuroses for next to nothing: Matisse Fletcher, Feiya Wang, Ron Motto, Steve Sawada and Matt Empson.

Craig: What was it like having Ian produce and working with child actors?

Bhama: Well, Ian directs by telepathy, which only a very accomplished and seasoned screen actress like myself can deftly handle. The kids were great, although I did feel a little guilty dropping F-bombs in front of them. I did not feel guilty asking them to hold my liquor or vacuuming up their fucking toys.

Craig: Aside from being known as BFF to famous actress Bhama Roget, how do you want Seattle to remember you?

Ian: An extremely talented, very funny but also humble and generous person. You didn’t say it had to be honest.

Craig (to Bhama): What do you think Ian was best at doing here in Seattle and where do you see him fitting in once he’s moved to LA?

Bhama: If you’re friends with Ian on Facebook, you know that he’s really great at posting POV pics of his feet lounging in front of a pool. Now, he’ll be able to do that without even leaving home!

Craig: What is it like working with Bhama Roget?  How long have you known her?  Will she need a BFF once you’re gone?

Ian: Bhama was the first person I met when I started working on the show almost three years ago. My first reactions were “Shit, she’s hilarious” and “Why the fuck is she agreeing to work with me?!” As it happens, many people still ask me that same question.  I count my lucky stars every time we work together. We share a macabre sense of humor, which makes collaborating a breeze. And she gets more laughs than I do even when I wrote the sketch. As far as BFF status goes, you’ll have to ask her.

Craig: Why did you agree to work with Ian?

Bhama: All pissing aside, I think Ian is hilarious. I think he’s a really talented writer and a very funny and cool guy and I like him. Also, it’s pretty easy to bend him to my will.

Craig: I’m going to talk to Bhama for a moment about Tori Amos…and also you, of course.  Anything you’d like to say about Tori Amos?

Ian: I saw her at Key Arena many years ago, but to be honest it was because my boyfriend was obsessed with her. She never really did it for me. Stop humping the bench already!

Craig: I was researching Ian but then I read an interview with you where you said you bombed at an audition by singing a Tori Amos song!  I have to ask: which song?

Bhama:  I sang “Leather” wearing a really slutty outfit for an audition at the 5th Avenue. I also did a monologue that I wrote myself about the time my cat shit down my back, and at the time (in my twenties), I thought that was a very good idea.

Craig: With Ian leaving, are you in need of a BFF, say someone who routinely dresses up as Tori Amos and also wants his own show?

Bhama:  Wow, I really appreciate the offer, but I am moving to L.A. too. Ian can run, but he can’t hide.

(SCOOP DEUX!)

Craig: How do you think you improved Seattle during your stay here?  And how do you think Seattle can improve after you’ve left?

Ian: I think my greatest achievement was removing myself from the Seattle dating pool. You’re welcome, guys. The city can improve by getting some goddamn rent control.

Craig: What do you think of the gay dating pool in Seattle?  Could Ian have gotten wet if he’d stayed in the pool?

Bhama: My understanding is that it has impeccable taste, but if you piddle in the pool one too many times, you may be asked to leave.

Craig: Do you think you’ll ever get that TV show?

Ian: Of course! I wouldn’t waste my time moving to LA if I wasn’t going to get what I want.

Craig: Any bridges you want to burn before you leave town?

Ian: Nah, bridge burning is petty. I just move on.

Craig: Can you tell us, once and for all: how do you pronounce your name?

Ian: iː.ən

Bhama: EEEE (schwa)N SHOOL-K(schwa). There is no schwa on my computer. But just remember, it’s all about the schwa. It’s easy to remember if you think of Ian’s head like a schwa, with the head of the upside-down e being his beard, and the tail being his head. Srsly, put two eyes on a schwa and tell me who that looks like.

Craig: How long until Ian returns to Seattle?

Bhama:  As soon as he has enough money to buy a summer house on Lake Washington.

Craig harassed Ian until he put him in some of his shows, which is how Craig got to meet Bhama! They haven’t worked together since because, as one of his friends said “She’s a real actor!” Craig was at the Tori Amos show at Key Arena: she was in her Stevie Nicks flowing sleeves Scarlet’s Walk phase and sang Spring Haze and Smells Like Teen Spirit and talked about how squid mate and…actually that’s two different Key Arena Tori Amos shows…You can catch Ian Schuelke this Saturday, May 27th at Sketchfest Fund Fight at the Annex Theatre on Capitol Hill:

[Doors at 6:30, Tickets are just $15!]
TIX: https://web.ovationtix.com/trs/pe.c/10173544

 

As for the lovely Bhama Roget, you can find her at HOPPY HOUR COMEDY on June 2nd in the wilds of Bothell at Decibel Brewing, 18204 Bothell Everett Hwy…which we’re surmising isn’t that easy to reach via public transportation so mooch a ride with a friend who has a car.