Useful Tips! How To Clean Your Po Po (aka “Butt Cleaning 101”)

VERY frequently we see young (and not so young) gay men ask the very vital question:

HOW DO YOU PREPARE YOURSELF FOR ANAL SEX?

aka

How do you clean your butt thoroughly enough to prevent “poo poo” emerging to put a damper on the evening’s (or afternoon’s  or morning’s) love making?

It’s not a very pleasant thing to think about but proper hygiene IS important and frankly the neophyte should be learning this valuable information HERE in the safety of an avuncular website teaching “Butt Cleaning 101” rather than picking it up “off the streets” so to speak.

Some lovely but unknown person made a (mostly) terrific graphic on Creative Commons (aka so folks can share it) about just this topic, so here’s a handy (and VERY graphic) guide to cleaning your po po hole for the buttsex. (Go HERE for the original which includes options for directions in different languages!! Helpful!!!!)

And, they have a flow chart for “Fast” and “Full” cleanses. For your first time, stick with “Fast” until you get the “hang of it”. Rushing into the longer and more complicated full cleanse isn’t recommended. You need some experience with the Fast mode before jumping into the Full. Besides…if this is all “new” to you, you probably aren’t ready for fisting and 3 foot long dildos and 4 hour long sex sessions anyway.

Note: you will feel some light cramping while doing anal douching. It’s normal. However, if you’re experiencing prolonged pain/discomfort you’re probably over doing it.  Slow down! Use warm water! (not cold and not hot!)

NOW, I’M GONNA INTERRUPT HERE FOR A MOMENT! 

Why?

Because I do NOT approve/agree with the advice about just “letting it all go” down the drain in your bath tub! You most likely have a toilet sitting within a couple feet of your bath tub…a toilet is designed to take your “backdoor evacuations” while your tub/shower is not. Also: you’ll need to THOROUGHLY scrub out your tub AFTER you’re done cleaning out your butt and who has the time/desire to do that if you don’t need to? Also: do you really want to call your landlord/a plumber because you have tiny poo turds clogging up your bath tub drain?!?!?

Instead, why not “fill up” with water then CAREFULLY step out of the tub/stall and proceed to the toilet to “let’er rip!!!” So much easier/tidier! And, note you should be VERY cautious while doing this. After all, you have a butt full of warmish water inside you and you don’t want to rush and trip while making it to the toilet….that’s both messy and dangerous. 

Anyway, my digression…because a bath tub IS NOT the same as a toilet!!

AGAIN….GO USE THE DAMN TOILET!!!!!

No…I am NOT squashing poo poo turds with my big toe!!!!

Gross.

OK…I think this graphic is HELPFUL but it’s also kinda inconsistent. So, spraying shitty ass water all over your tub and your legs is FINE but a teeny tiny amount of poo poo emerging during sex is a MAJOR disaster!!!! 

Really…shit happens. It ain’t sexy or “fun” (unless you have a fetish I don’t want to hear about…) but it will turn up on occasion. Deal with it and move on. You should have a tidy bottom if you want to, um, bottom, but unless you’re filming a porn scene or your partner is Joan Crawford and has some major cleanliness issues, (“I’M NOT MAD AT YOU…I’M MAD AT THIS TINY AMOUNT OF POO ON MY WEINER/DILDO!!!”) spending hours and hours and gallons and gallons of water in a frenzied effort to remove every dot of feces in your body, is a tad wasteful of time and water. If you have issues with a chronically dirty butt, then you might want to examine your eating habits. Seriously. You’re probably eating too much shitty processed food. Go eat some bran or cabbage. Stop eating burritos from Qwik-E-Mart at 3am.

Now is also a good time to note that if you’d had any medical issues or injuries in that part of the body, you might want to consult with your doctor about douching/anal cleaning/enemas. I’m talking about lower gastrointestinal problems or anal fissures or anything where anal douching might create a problem based on a recent/ongoing medical complaint. If in doubt, ask your doctor!

Also: if you’ve VERY recently gotten over a flu, or norovirus, or food poisoning or anything where you’ve suffered from diarrhea, you should let your poor butt recover for a few days before subjecting it to douching/enemas. And, depending on what caused your illness, your feces might be very infectious for some time after you’ve started to feel better…you wouldn’t want to pass along your illness to a sex partner! Give your po po a rest for a few days before subjecting it to a “Silkwood” type power shower!

ALSO/ALSO: be aware of Shigella, which is an nasty “intestinal disease caused by a family of bacteria known as shigella. The main sign of shigella infection is diarrhea, which often is bloody. Shigella can be passed through direct contact with the bacteria in the stool.”

Shigella epidemics sometimes occur among populations of men having sex with men, particularly in sexually heated atmospheres like gay cruises, campgrounds, bathhouses, gay male specific vacation sites, etc. If you exhibit any signs of shigella, you need to rest and take care of yourself and refrain from sexual contact.

There ya go! Though I’ll say that I don’t get the “cold water” comment…DON’T use actual cold water to clean your butt! You’ll get nasty cramps! Tepid to gently warm water!!!