Dear Avi: Barista Lust…aka, “CoffeeSexuals”

(Editor’s Note: We ADORE getting new writers at the Scene; anything to lessen our weary writing load! So, that means we’re so very jazzed to welcome Avi Danger to our stable of studs, writers and he’s kicking things off with that old war horse, the Advice Column….’cause you can never have too many of those! Today, Mr. Danger leads off with another old staple….the foolish person with a crush on someone who serves food or beverage, in this case, the Barista. We think you’ll enjoy [and, hopefully not actually take, since he’s not a professional]Mr. Danger’s priceless advice.)

Dear Avi,

I have a super big crush on my morning barista. My coffee habit is out of control but I’m too chicken to ask him out! How can I work up the nerve to seal the deal? Oh yeah, I’m a guy, too.

-Jitters

Dear Jitters,

When in doubt, open with anal. Cut a slit in the crack of your best pair of jeans and make sure he sees your backdoor business. After that doesn’t work, consider the following.

Since your mouth is constantly too full of caffeine to successfully flirt, try writing “I have a super big crush on you” on a five dollar bill, along with your number (with area code) and tip him with it, placing it directly in the sensitive underbelly of his hand, also known as a palm, also known as his dick’s second home. Even if he doesn’t call you ever and just stuffs the bill in the tip jar, someone special will find the tip and call you because Seattle (or wherever it ends up) is full of special people. And that person will be a romantic, taking a chance on love. And that is the miracle of capitalism. If the socialists had their way, your dream man would already be earning at least $15/hr and wouldn’t need to be so kind to you to earn his tips and then you’d lose even his fake kindness. You heard it here first. Pay equity is homophobic.

And yes, I said fake kindness because he doesn’t like you but that shouldn’t stop you from trying to be with him. Lots of people who don’t like each other have wonderful relationships. It’s just a matter of your baggage matching his baggage. Don’t masturbate. Coordinate!

I assume it’s his little smiles and niceties and brief attention and forearms that are stoking your crush (and your coffee addiction). Now, you should understand that although I give perfect advice, you’ll probably fuck it up because you’re high on caffeine and homosexual hormones, so here’s some more options in case he still doesn’t get it.

Order what you imagine to be his favorite drink, and after he makes it and hands it to you, tell him it’s for him and you want to watch him drink it. Slowly. Take a cell phone video of his mouth as he either tells you to go away or drinks or both. This will result in a long term relationship.

You could also try confronting him, demanding he stop with the unwanted sexual attention. Ideally, he’ll confront you back. Double ideally, he’ll get fired. Then you can swoop in and comfort him. There’s really nothing better than cuddling with a guy as he rests his cheek on your bare chest, unless he’s crying and shaking at the time. That’s the ultimate. See everyone says gay guys are afraid of intimacy but we make each other cry all the time and that’s intimacy. Duh.

As for nerve, you totally have a wonderfully suitable amount of nerve. Because you asked me a question with not a thought as to how my day is going. That takes nerve, making it all about you. Sure, this is an advice column, but if that’s any indication of your level of selfishness, it’s no wonder all that barista wants is your money. And you said morning barista. I wonder what you’ve got going on in your head with your afternoon and mid-afternoon and evening and midnight baristas. King County is going to run out of paper for restraining orders.

If all of this fails, just remind yourself that’s he’s probably straight. Even if you see him responding positively to the awkward advances of a competing homosexual male coffee addict who shares your crush.

But be warned there’s something called erotic transference. It’s like when someone gets a crush on their therapist. It’s not supposed to lead to anything inappropriate, though sometimes it does even though it shouldn’t, but maybe it could, even if it shouldn’t, but it means that all that erotic energy, all that desire, all that romantic drive goes out and lands on someone (generally somehow who has to be nice to you like a barista or a therapist or the guy who sweeps up hair at the barber shop).

And you think that your feelings come from them. Like that person glows. And brings you life. But the desire comes from you. So that means your energy will go somewhere. And someone will notice someday. In the meantime, drink too much coffee, stare too hard, flirty badly, make a fool of yourself, and don’t give a fuck. Or possibly, your crush is on coffee and you should enter into an intense sexually romantic relationship with coffee. You may be a coffeesexual.

Because I have your best interests at heart, if anyone tells you to wait until it’s slow at the counter and just say something like “Hi, I’m kinda shy, but my name is Mr. Jitters and I have to tell you I have a crush on you,” don’t do it. It’s Seattle. Being direct will always fail.

Your deepest ally,
Avi Danger

Have a question for Dear Avi? Send it to strangeways@seattlegayscene.com and he’ll pass it along.

Disclaimer: If you follow any advice from Avi Danger, you’re a fucking idiot. So don’t. But if you do, then anything bad or good that happens is totally your fault.