Show of hands, who else is bored of the same old gay labels? Cub this, twink that, panda for black bear, chaser for chub—we’ve overused our stereotypes so much that even straight people know what “otter” means.
Queer guys often characterize (i.e. objectify) our prospects based on body shape, age, and race. While this may seem normal because it’s so common, it’s divisive and limiting. Everyone likes a good buffet but the menu needs some serious updating. If we must typify other gay men, let’s evolve our game and base it on their actions and aspirations.
What better way to do this than to use the diverse menagerie of Pokémon? You’re welcome, 90s kids.
Here are common gays and the classic first-generation Pokémon who represent them.
The Gym Rat: Machoke
He wears the least amount of clothing possible to avoid getting kicked out of the gym. You’ll most likely find him grunting unnecessarily from a bench press, or near a mirror taking pictures of his own arms. But he redeems himself by showering in the locker room for public viewing.
The Tech Employee: Magnemite
Super useful and a smidge weird, the Magnemite techie boasts a stable, high-paying job. He’s drawn to gadgets rather than fashion, and he orbits a group of like-minded programmers and developers. Prone to making funny noises without reason or apology.
The Toxic Boyfriend: Muk
Sloppy; sticky; suffocating: a Muk is hard to hold onto until you’re trying to get rid of him. He only loves you when you threaten to leave, and he exhibits possessiveness with a poisonous sense of entitlement. His good-natured demeanor is outweighed by his crippling insecurity and general lack of hygiene.
The Hopeless Romantic: Jigglypuff
There’s something charmingly innocent about a hopeless romantic Jigglypuff. Though he sometimes puts people to sleep with his endless pining and incessant “but I can fix him” naïveté, he is cuddly, loveable, and optimistic. He’s a sweet guy whose heart will invariably be shat upon by a Muk.
The Drag Queen: Jynx
A platinum wig, a hefty c-cup empire waist gown, and a face beat for the gods, she is rea.dy.to.go! While she might make an occasional lapse in judgment and don what could be mistaken for blackface, she’ll blow the crowd a lovely kiss and charm her way back into their good graces. But beware, after a few cocktails her unintelligible squawking is annoying as hell.
The Emotionally Unavailable Guy: Metapod
What is he best at? Hardening his tough shell. He protects himself from emotional damage by making himself as invulnerable and distant as possible. One day this trustworthy friend will blossom into a romantically-capable butterfly, but it’ll take some serious growth before that happens.
The Vietnamese Guys Who Always Hang Out Together: Dugtrio
You’ve seen them on the town. Super cute and attentive, these 3 (or more) guys often pop out of nowhere. They’re tuned into the underground gossip mill and have the dirt on everyone. They are literally never not together and they see each other through thick and thin… until two of them fall for the same man.
The Paleo Vegan: Bulbasaur
Obsessive recycler? Yup. Hardcore veggie convert? Absolutely. Cute? Yaaaas! Whether or not you asked for it, he’s probably told you all about the benefits of a plant-based diet, but his blood pressure and cholesterol levels are sexily healthy. Bonus points if he’s got a bubble butt.
BJ McGee: Bellsprout
He’s the perfect height for the job, accommodatingly cavernous, and his reputation for outrageous DSL precedes him. He often won’t let you reciprocate, but don’t take it personally—he gets his pleasure from pleasuring others. Probably not going to end up your boyfriend, but you continue to message him anyway whenever you’re in a blue-ball bind.
Rim Master: Lickitung
Your friends hate Lickitung because he’s super awkward and a touch crazy, but you just can’t bring yourself to let him go. He aims to please and has a knack for a good tongue slam.
The DILF: Nidoking
After mastering a few phases of self-development, he’s grounded, well-established, and horny. A Nidoking has “made it” in his career and is on track for his life goals. He’s got titillating appendages for days, and maybe that scares you a little, but his pecs alone make you gush rivers. Get ready for an earthquake in those strong arms and sturdy legs.
Your Funemployed Friend: Snorlax
A Snorlax “in-between jobs” is an avid napper, a passionate foodie, a music fan, and spends most of his time binging Netflix series while scratching his considerable belly. That said, he’ll readily come to your defense and take a hit for you. Great cuddler.
And there you have it, a new way to distinguish and objectify gays! Use this power wisely, friends. Are there any you think I missed? Add them in the comments below or email me at firstname.lastname@example.org!