Pokémon are a blessing to Beyoncé’s good green earth, particularly for the queer community. They come in all shapes and sizes, have interesting stories, and show devotion to their #1. But why would gay men have an affinity for these digital, fictional animal companions? The cute factor, sure. The adventure and glory, yeah. And fine, sometimes we gays feel the urge to “catch ‘em all,” so to speak.
But gay male culture also has an affinity for labels. As introduced in the first installment of Gay Men as Pokémon, we have the opportunity to establish identities based on values, behavior, and milestones rather than just body type, age, and race as gays before us have. Let’s take a deeper look past that first generation of 151 ‘mon and explore which gay men are best represented by the Generation 2 lineup!
The Baby Gay: Togepi
He’s 16, he’s just discovered he’s a fairy, and he’s stepping out of the closet! His Instagram selfies now include the hashtags #gayboy or #bottomsup, and he Snapchats with another Togepi in Nebraska. But he alleges his parents still have “no idea.” He has a lot to learn but he’s excited for the future!
Mr. Optimism: Sunflora
You’re not sure what his actual eye color is because Sunflora has been grinning since approximately 1925. But you don’t mind—he’s got dazzling teeth and you can’t help but be in a better mood when he gives you a bright “Hello!” and asks how you’re doing. You suspect Zoloft.
The Bitch: Sneasel
Sneasel is the shady ice-queen your boyfriend has been friends with since they were Togepis, but you want to cut this bitch with a broken bottle. Master of the backhanded compliment and sniping criticisms, he’ll complain that the Greek feast you prepared for him was “too dry.” He stirs up drama between you and your boyfriend because he’s bored, he’s the first to point out the 5 pounds you gained over winter, and he talks shit about children. TO THEIR FACES. Fuck this asshole. Seriously.
The Gay B-Boy: Hitmontop
Men are his pastime but breakdancing is his life. Hip hop will always come first for a Hitmontop, so you’ve got to be able to roll. He’s out to his crew, they’re cool with it, and he’ll crush his battle opponents with a rapid spin. So You Think You Can Dance still hasn’t called him back, but it’s only a matter of time, right bae? Contrary to his name, Hitmontop is a verse bottom.
Temper Tantrum Central: Typhlosion
This guy can’t even pretend to keep his shit together. Rage is the salty-sweet nectar that fuels his erupting passion to SET. IT. OFF. Can’t find his keys? Table flip. Caught a glimpse of FOX News on the gym TV? Fist through a wall. Someone called his buddy a fag? Decapitation. Terrible boyfriend material but his fiery sexual frustration might make him a good lay. Probably Irish or Italian.
The Medical Professional: Blissey
Sporting scrubs and drawing blood, Blissey is queen bee of the hospital. He’s a beast with sutures, loves old people, and can diagnose your chlamydia by smell alone. His cheerful disposition might have you thinking he’s a Sunflora, but he’ll go straight up Typhlosion on you if you don’t take your medication as directed. Loves eggs.
The Deceptive Loser Holding You Back From Your Goals: Sudowoodo
You had dreams! You had a bucket list! You wanted dogs because maybe you should have kids but maybe not so dogs are a good way to test your patience and ability to keep something alive for a couple years! But then everything changed when you started dating Sudowoodo. At first you thought he’d be the type to grow with you, only to discover he’s staunchly set in his ways. You can’t go camping because he’s allergic to grass. You can’t be friends with your ex because he’s insecure. You can’t go rollerblading because “that’s dumb.” Tell him to shape up and get out of your way or you’ll drop him like a rock.
The Painter: Smeargle
On-The-Down-Low Guy: Girafarig
For someone who’s “not gay,” he sure loves gay sex with gays. His Jack’d profile states “str8 here im normal i just get down with guys sometimes lol.” Girafarig passes as heterosexual with his family, friends, and coworkers, but he can’t deny his hungry butt. You’ll see him on Saturday nights exclusively “checking things out” at gay bars, murmuring things like, “uh oh if you buy me another drink i might have to make out with you lol.” Unlike Togepi, this guy never had that proud euphoria of coming out, so he leads a double-life to preserve his fragile masculinity.
The Giver: Delibird
Delibird has a problem with self-esteem, so he showers his friends with gifts as a way to buy their love. We’re not talking a bottle of red wine as a housewarming gift; we’re talking designer bags and jewelry. He’s developed great taste over the years and knows the perfect presents to make you feel indebted to him forever.
The Puppy: Houndour
You’ll find Houndour at the kink shop or leather party, sporting a thick chain for his dog-tags. If he doesn’t already have a Master, he’s on the hunt. If he’s taken, don’t even think about getting between him and his man. A fiery lover with a playful sexuality, Houndours are loyal and devoted with a penchant for latex, leather, and a good bone.
The Hairy Butch Guy: Ursaring
He’s got meat on his ribs, hair on his chest, and those thick, furry forearms that make you shudder with anticipation. Laymen might refer to this type as a “bear.” Fools. Ursarings often started out as cute, cuddly kids who developed into strong, protective men. If you catch one, never let him go.
Any Johto Generation ‘mon I missed? Add them in the comments below or email me at email@example.com. Stay tuned for Generation 3, starring Hoenn’s finest!