Madonna: The Interview*

(*And, by “Interview” we mean a fake, “just for shits and giggles” parody interview…)

You could have knocked me over with a feather when we received a phone call from everyone’s favorite “Material Girl” this morning! Yes, Lady Madonna is headed to Seattle for two BIG shows at Key Arena this Tuesday and Wednesday and she just wanted to chat to promote her show and share the love with her LGBTQ fans in Seattle. Madonna is famous for her shocking and controversial comments and we were NOT disappointed with what she had to say! Check it OUT!

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Strangeways: Hi Madonna! We’re so excited you’re coming to Seattle this week! Do you have any fond memories from previous appearances here?

Madonna: Not really. Your Kabbalah Center sucks and the lack of Dominican men is very dispiriting. How’s a woman of class and distinction supposed to find a little fun in a city sorely lacking in swarthy, large penised men from tropical climates? It’s worse than doing a show in bloody Manchester!

Strangeways: I hear ya! It’s all Pendleton jackets, pasty skin and subscriptions to Mother Earth when it comes to Seattle men! But, your disparaging remarks about the UK are surprising; I thought you were a dedicated Anglophile?

Madonna: Mr. Ritchie cured me of that ailment. I married the man who made “Snatch” and ended up with one who made those shitty Sherlock Holmes movies. Also; none of those British twat casting agents would get me into an “AbFab”, “Harry Potter” or “Dr. Who”…it was infuriating!

Strangeways: Well, you did do a Bond film, “Die Another Day”…

Madonna: Well, yes, but it wasn’t a GOOD Bond film…

Strangeways: OUCH! Let’s switch gears and talk about the music.

Madonna: What music?

Strangeways: Uh, YOUR music…MDNA, your latest album and the reason why you’re coming to Seattle despite the fact it fell off the charts pretty damn quickly largely due to it being so derivative and self-referential and a sad attempt to claim the youth market by aping Katy Perry.

Madonna: Oh, yeah…that album. What about it?

Strangeways: Well, we’ve seen the footage from the other stops on the tour. It seems like it’s your usual cavalcade of big production values, elaborate costumes, desperate attempts to be controversial and the usual run down of your Greatest Hits. Is there anything new we should be aware of?

Madonna: No…that pretty much says it all. It’s the same old shit wrapped up in some shiny new Gaultier wrapping paper.

Strangeways: As usual, you’ve managed to snag headlines with some controversial remarks at various venues around the world by commenting on various hot topics like Gay Rights and the US presidential election including a remark alluding to the President as a Muslim. Got any controversy planned for Seattle?

Madonna: We’re working on that. The Haus of Madonna is coming up with some potential ideas for the shows. Obviously we’ll comment on your Referendum 78 and make some jokes about….(pause while she apparently looks at some notes) uh, Dick’s Drive-In, Dale Chihuly, the constant rain, Starbucks and the Monorail. You know…hot button stuff.

Strangeways: That’s Referendum 74 and the rest of those “jokes” are really lame and a huge cliche.

Madonna: Not when I do them….the little Madonna-sters will be screaming in ecstasy at everything that comes of my mouth!

Strangeways: Uh, “Madonna-sters”? “The Haus of Madonna”? That’s two remarks that clearly reference Lady Gaga and her fanbase. Are you trying to imitate her to regain your loyalty among the LGBTQ community?

Madonna: (Silence)

Strangeways: Hello? Are you there?

Madonna: Look, buddy….I don’t NEED to regain any loyalty from MY community and MY people! I was here LONG before that fatass Italian freak hit the scene and I’ll be here LONG after she waddles away to the Rick Dees Home for Unwanted Hasbeens! AND, she’s LOSING her fanbase! What the fuck was with those shitty singles from Born This Way? And, that STUPID male persona? Didn’t the bitch learn her pop history? That whole “alter ego” shit ALWAYS bombs! Hello, Earth to Gaga! If Garth Brooks can’t pull it off, how the fuck does little Miss Guido Porkchop think SHE’S gonna pull it off??!!

Strangeways: Obviously Gaga presses your buttons…yet you apparently asked her to duet with you at Yankee Stadium and she turned you down…are you feeling bitter?

Madonna: I DON’T HAVE A BITTER OR VINDICTIVE BONE IN MY BODY!!!! I LOVE EVERYONE WHO LOVES ME AND CONTINUES TO BUY MY ALBUMS AND PAY $500 TO SEE MY CONCERTS!!!

Strangeways: OK, OK!!!! Calm down! Let’s change the subject…do you plan on going out after your shows at Key Arena? Will you hit the “Seattle Scene”?

Madonna: You have a “Scene”? I thought everyone went to bed at 11pm after a hard day of kayaking and passive aggressiveness?

Strangeways: Well, not everyone…Seattle DID help invent hipsters after all…

Madonna: True. Well, I have received a lot of invites….something called “Bear-aoke” at The Cuff?

Strangeways: Do you like “Bears”?

Madonna: Are there Puerto Rican bears in Seattle?

Strangeways: No. Not really.

Madonna: Skip! What about “ASS” at R Place? It’s an amateur strip show!

Strangeways: Strippers in Washington State can’t show their wing wangs…

Madonna: NEXT!!! Here’s an invite from someone named “Nark” to come to something called “Q”

Strangeways: You might like that…it’s new, shiny, and hip. Erykah Badu played there last weekend.

Madonna: HER?!?!? I don’t think so…I don’t take scraps from Miss Badu…if I can’t break in a club, I ain’t goin’!

Strangeways: You’re kind of high maintenance, ain’t cha?

Madonna: KIND OF?!?!?!? (Cackles for a good five minutes followed by coughing and choking.)

Strangeways: Hello? Are you still there, Madonna? Are you ok?

New Voice: Olá? Sra. Madonna tinha de estar de volta em sua câmara de oxigênio. Por favor, venha para o show no Key Arena nesta terça-feira e quarta-feira. Os ingressos ainda estão disponíveis!

(Translation: Hello? Mrs. Madonna had to be back into her oxygen chamber. Please come to the show at Key Arena this Tuesday and Wednesday. Tickets are still available!)

Madonna: (from the background) That’s MISS Madonna, you Brazilian putz!!!

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Thanks, Madonna and Brazilian Putz for talking to us! Love YOU!

*Again…this is (obviously) a parody and not a real interview…