Gay Men as Pokémon: Generation 5

Naughty Professors Kukui, Willow, and Sycamore

Pokémon—your second favorite Pocket Monsters—are killing it this year! Fans are eager for the upcoming release of Pokémon Sun & Moon, the 7^th generation of the video game franchise. And rightfully so, since this new gen will be the gayest, most fabulous version yet!

Evidence for the game’s fruit-friendly makeover includes a scantily clad Pokémon professor who wears a rainbow baseball hat, a new feature called Pokémon Refresh which allows you to style your beloved pets, and the announcement of “Alola” versions of our favorites from Generation 1, including a sassy redesigned Meowth, a butched-up flaming Marowak, and an ice fairy Ninetales in all her foxy glory.

In the Seattle Gay Scene tradition of exploring how Pokémon represent gay male archetypes so perfectly—spanning Pokémon Generations 1, 2, 3, and 4—it’s time for Generation 5 to join the mix. Check out the Unova region’s best and brightest to perfectly represent some queer guys you’ve seen about town!

Rich Bitch: Serperior

Snooty, snobby, and superior, the Rich Bitch doesn’t worry about money, turning up his nose at anybody who does. Nice to keep around for expensive fashion taste and for a pricey bar tab, but don’t expect a shoulder to cry on from a Serperior.

The Goth Queen: Gothitelle

Welcome to the darker side of drag. A Gothitelle will perform with plenty of black outfits, shadowy makeup, and melancholy music. If you love Evanescence and hate society, you’re in for a treat!

‘Roid Rager: Gurdurr

He can barely fit through the door because he’s so swoll. But it’s his short-fused temper and addiction to steroids that differentiates the Gurdurr from the typical gym bunny. He may have waxy skin and testicles the size of raisins, but his body is fun to ogle! Just don’t trust him with your pets. Or your car. Or anything ever.

Mr. Big D: Krookodile

With Thor’s hammer swinging in his kilt, a Krookodile is a cherished treasure for any size queen. Remember to practice your jaw stretches, breathe, and use obscene amounts of lube.

The Nanny: Leavanny

If you had ovaries, they would explode at the sight of a Leavanny on the job. Kids love him because he’s patient, kind, fun, and a natural caretaker. Great husband material whether or not you want your own spawn.

The Facial Hair Enthusiast: Stoutland

The lumberjack beard. The hipster goatee. The pornstar handlebars. The turn-of-the-century mustache with waxed tips. You name it, the Stoutland has tried it. Makes for a fun kissing partner (and more), but facial hair is literally 50% of this guy’s entire personality. Be prepared to 1) listen to pretentious tirades, and 2) suffer a facial exfoliation with every make out session.

Actual Garbage: Trubbish

He litters. He won’t pay you back. He thinks Dane Cook is funny. He doesn’t vote—or worse, he supported Trump and Pence as “the change we need.” And to the disgust of any self-respecting Leavanny, he’s mean to babies. TO BABIES. Steer clear of this hot mess.

Pink Punk: Scrafty

You’ll recognize a Scrafty by the tattoos on his sinewy forearms, the gauges in his ears, the mohawk on his head, and the spiked leather jacket on his back. He can answer every question about the Ramones you didn’t even think to ask.

#NaturalHairDontCare: Bouffalant

A Bouffalant is a man who proudly wears his naturally curly, kinky hair as a cultural crown. Usually of African or Polynesian descent, he wouldn’t dream of relaxing his afro, even if doing so would appease narrow-minded employers or admissions counselors. Hears “Can I touch your hair?” from bothersome white folks at least once a week.

The Fashionista: Sawsbuck

Donning the season’s hottest trends, the Sawsbuck has a passion for fashion. He’s got a great eye for fit, a knack for accessorizing, and studies Vogue Magazine as if it’s religious scripture. Likely works in marketing or apparel. Favorite client: a Serperior.

Diaper Play Guy: Vullaby

Who are we to judge a guy whose kink is diaper play among consenting adults?

The Illusionist: Zoroark

Sure, he seemed like the perfect guy. Friendly, brilliant, gorgeous, the Zoroark can be anything you want him to be—except himself. Eventually his deceptive performance must come to an end and he will reveal his true, shady nature. Give him time to overcome his crippling shame issues before you consider letting him into your life.

There we are: 12 of the best queer mascots from Generation 5! Comment, share, and let us know if there are any we missed. And of course, stay tuned for Generation 6’s Gay Men as Pokémon coming soon!